this is kind of breakdown-y but i'm ok

so i'm in chandler taking care of my grandpa, and he's declining pretty fast. i'm not sure i'd call it end of life, but things aren't going well. it's just decline after decline, and we're introducing an additional dementia drug, and a new painkiller and a new pain management treatment, but the fact is, mental state is sliding (although the hostile phase is over, and he's much more docile and receptive to the level of care that he needs) dude is not walking well, he's falling, and everybody can hope for the best all they want, but that shit does not get better at 85.

as previously mentioned, my mother the borg queen visited in mid december. it's almost a month since she left and i am still so fucking furious with her that i hesitate to discuss it. i'm just going to say two things about her is all.

1.)she is literally the most repulsive 'human being' i have ever encountered in my entire life, and by a significant margin.

2.)throughout my entire adult life (which i consider to be 15 years old on) i always though that my mother just happened to have a great deal of the traits that i find most undesireable in people (including my own faults). what i realized during her visit was that she is the reason that i find certain traits and behaviors so repellant. she is essentially the template for everything in this world that i abhor. it seems like semantics, but it feels like one of the more profound revelations i've had in my life. it also seems kind of insanely obvious and i feel a little dumb that i didn't realize this before.

i broke up with germone two days before christmas but it was clear that he wanted me to break up with him, so i would call it mutual, he was probably just being generous. it wasn't a hostile thing, we were both just worn the fuck out. still care about him, wish him well blah blah blah.

found grandpa on the bathroom floor this morning soaked in pee, and immediately made the decision that i have to withdraw from college indefinitely to provide care. kind of traumatized by that, but i couldn't deal with it if i were down in tucson and shit got ugly and i'd have to drop all my classes anyway, and that would be more academically and financially and logistically disruptive mid-semester than it would be before the start of semester. when i told germone, almost the very first thing he was said was that since i wouldn't be coming down one week a month for school, then we needed to look at me getting my shit out of there sooner, so i'm going to go down and try to pack my shit in 2 days on a weekend, put it in storage, etc. germone's helping me, he's going to drive me back up to chandler in the u-haul (WAY MORE than he has to do, and i am DOING MY BEST to be grateful), but i will say that as always his timing is so bad that it seems sadistic even though i think/know that it's happenstance and not malevolence (but how can somebody's timing always be SO FUCKING BAD?! it starts to make you a little paranoid/cynical after a while). at least after my shit's in storage it will be OVER, i'll have closure, i won't be living in tucson which i have hated and it will be less energy that i'll have to misappropriate. more focus and strength where it is needed.

this last week i've been seeing this guy- i know it's soon, but i think it's healing and i don't WANT to do a grieving period, no offense to germone- it's not that germone isn't worth grieving over, it's just that i just fucking refuse to wallow right now, especially taking care of my grandpa. i really like him (new guy), i'm trying not to get too attached but it's been fun and he's sweet and i think he's sexy and after breaking up after a 2 year relationship fun and sweet is just what i need and it's been a good start if it is in fact a start. trying to just focus on enjoying the company, affection, newness without overthinking it into the ground. a little bit of happy never hurt anybody, right?

anyway, i know this post probably seems beyond grim, but to me it isn't. BIG FUCKING CHANGE is happening, and it hurts and all of my god laughter inducing man plans are getting mixed up and smushed up and rearranged like cosmic taffy and my grandpa is dying, and i'm watching my aunt who i love more than anybody in the whole world watch her last living parent, her last immediate family member who isn't my evil cunt mother, her dad who she adores decline and die, and i had to see my mom, and i spent another two years in a relationship that didn't work and school is a big question mark and all of this fucking hurts so bad and it feels like it's TOO MUCH or right at the edge of TOO MUCH but the crazy thing is that at the same time i feel so much hope and like the profound is at work here and and it's going to be horrible and gut wrenching but kind of beautiful too, and i get to be here for it and that's an honor and i'm crying right this second, but i feel SO STRONG at my core, stronger than i've felt in years and i'm like I CAN DO THIS and shit is going to work out, and my life is going to be better for it and i don't have to be afraid and this is GROWTH, and that beauty, peace and wonder are right around the corner. i feel love.

Boy George is FIERCE

so boy george was openly, DIRECTLY tweeting rose mcgowan...
"I remember how rude you were to me in New York, have you become nicer? Lol!"

and

"It was when she was dating Manson, she was vile actually!"

DELIGHTED, i tweet that Boy George is OFFICIALLY going on the list of people i don't want pissed at me because he will call you the fuck out and cut your face and he TWEETED ME BACK, like "no actually, i wouldn't, but i do have to have the last word, even if it's silence." (um, WERK?!?!!) and now HE'S following ME on twitter?! i was tickled pink- or should i say i was tickled RED, GOLD, and GREEN (RED, GOLD, and GREEN)?!

maybe it's a little bit country faggot of me to be so excited, but boy george is the BEST kind of kunty- smart, sort of sweet, sort of sour if you cross him, but definitely NOT to be trifled with (or he will CHAIN YOU TO HIS RADIATOR AND BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE THE TURNED OUT BITCH HE'S MADE OF YOU!!!).

i still say that his autobiography 'take it like a man' along with holly woodlawn's 'a low life in high heels' are the two best (most entertaining and cleverly written) autobios i've ever read.

UMMMM, THIS JUST IN?!!

boy george is posting pics of his DICK CHAIRS?

"I have four! Love them!"

oh. my. god. best twitter account EVER.

i love me some dinosaur jr

classic spike jonze directed video for the classic Dinosaur Jr track 'feel the pain.' so much to love about the song, the band, spike jonze...

Invisible Light

stylistic/aesthetic perfection + the all-time best scissor sisters song by a country mile. the rare marriage of perfect video and perfect song. it reminded me of the Richard Burton film of 'Equus' + Lucio Fulci's 1970's/1980's italian horror films. also, there is a unicorn. the only thing this video needs are some monkeys.

Resistance Is Futile, But Perfectly Understandable

My mother the Borg Queen is coming to visit my Grandpa, who is staying at my aunt's house. i am also staying there, so i can take care of him during my aunt's work week. This will mark the second time that i have seen her since 1996, the first being at my grandma's funeral four or five years ago(to which my mother wore a GOLD LAMÉ dress with a metric ton of BIG jewelry/makeup to and convinced the pastor to tell stories about my grandma that prominently featured HER, like some sort of 'bereaved daughter' version of the merry widow- tacky mail order czarina edition). Needless to say, there is a very good reason that i'm an imbalanced faggot. this should be superfun.

Craig Ferguson Rules

Craig Ferguson's Doctor Who Cold Open.

Sometimes Amazon is Uncomfortably Astute

so i was looking for the new marc jacobs cologne and after i looked on amazon i guess it must have sounded not only the FAGGOT ALARM, but the RAGE-FILLED-ANGST-RIDDEN-SUICIDAL-COMPOUND-HYPHENATE-FAGGOT ALARM because it suggested the following:

1.) 'Velvet RAGE: overcoming the anger of growing up gay in a straight man's world,' an elaborately titled self-help book for gay men (obviously).

2.) 'A Single Man,' the excellent (but utterly steeped in misery) film by Tom Ford.

3.) 'The Rise and Fall of Gay Culture,' by Daniel Harris- a moderately well-known indictment of gay identity, then and now, circa 1999, featuring some valid points that are undermined by their misguided arguments.

4.) A bunch of other super fancy colognes.

i couldn't help but feel like amazon believed itself to be peering into my brain, and had decided that what i was thinking was that i hate everybody, myself included, and the only comfort i seem to be able to give myself is smelling good to the tune of twenty something bucks per fluid ounce.

WRONG, amazon! comfort only costs about eighty cents an ounce, unless you go to the bars.

seriously, though. i think it's interesting that you buy a higher end cologne and you're marketed to as tasteful, sophisticated and miserable (read gay male). i can see their point, but yikes.

Let's Talk About Arizona Politics!

(above: Governor HELLBITCH rubs her glasses against her Melanoma-TAN-RIFFIC muzzle)

i wrote something i liked today, and i did it in the comments section of one of my favorite Arizona bookstore's website. You can go to the blog entry i responded to HERE

i won't try to reiterate the post that moved me to froth at the mouth, but i would like to repost my response, because it was pretty fucking good if i say so myself. at least i think so!

Posted by Seth
November 3rd, 2010

i can't bring myself to feel anything other than abject horror and disgust about brewer getting elected. we might as well start literally eating the weak, the poor and the brown. it's hard to be all sunshine lollypops and rainbows when you're talking about arizona politics. this is the state that elected a man- evan mecham- who openly hated gays and blacks, CANCELLED martin luther king day (which voters backed up until threatened with the UNTHINKABLE possibility of losing the superbowl, god forbid), though him and fife symington both ended up getting impeached for illegal financial stuff and fraud, respectively, and now we've got Jan Brewer- Community College Radiology Technician (and amateur collector of imaginary mexican heads- did somebody say death and dismemberment?) RUN AMOK. stay classy, governors of arizona! this is the state that continues to elect joe arpaio even after 20 years of epic, well-documented scandal that has been condemned by GLOBAL human rights organizations, to say nothing of the myriad national and state groups (including the federal government in various forms) that continue to struggle (but SOMEHOW fail) to prosecute and oust him. cumulatively, it's all too much and it's all happened in too small a period of time. arizona should hang its head in shame. profanity and name calling seem like flirtation compared to what's ACTUALLY warranted at this point, the least of which would be for some physical representation of the most rudimentary, bare bones human decency to be burnt in effigy on the front lawn of Jan Brewer's new Barbie Dream Governor's Mansion. my own mother sent me an email forward that actually contained the phrase (in all caps) 'GOD HELP US WHO TOLERATE THE MUSLIM!!!' and you know what i DIDN'T do? i DIDN'T let it slide, and shake my head and say 'oh, i guess we'll have to agree to disagree! that MOM, she's so old fashioned!' i wrote her back and told her that she was engaging in hate speech, and was speaking the language of nothing less than ethnic cleansing, if not the sweet nothings leading up to the unending joys of genocide. after explaining to her that my assessment of her email was a condemnation of her sentiment and not HER, i also invited her to explain to me how she came to arrive at her point of view, as she is an upper middle class white woman who has only ever lived in small town nebraska and a nice little cul-de-sac in Self Satisfied WASP, pennsylvania... she never replied, because there is NO JUSTIFYING IT. anyone selling that crap would BALK at the possibility of being held accountable for their bile, and that INCLUDES THE GOVERNOR ('no more debates since GOD HIMSELF struck me dumb last time!').

seriously, sitting around in a fair trade organic cotton sundress and sending out good vibes with a bumper sticker on your car encouraging your fellow travellers to be the change that they want to see is NOT CUTTING IT. confrontation is not only warranted, it is necessary. i would have to agree that facebook is probably not the venue if you're going to do it intelligently, though. i'd totally go with twitter. don't forget the #hashtags!

...............................................................

so yeah, that was what i wrote. check out the post i responded to for context.

Short, Sweet, True

Sarah Silverman cuts the bullshit in under 30 seconds.

All the World Loves a Lover

it should come as no surprise to anybody that this is the same guy that directed the wacky, newly Criterion Collectioned 'HOUSE' (trailer at bottom of post).

Sleep With Barbara Billingsley, Tom Bosley

Wow, it's like somebody put a damn dirty gypsy DEATH CURSE on the network stars of yesteryear. All of the headlines are mentioning Happy Days, which i personally could NEVER stand. I remember when i was little and lived in nebraska and we had an old tv with no remote and no cable, we watched what was on in syndication. Happy Days was always fucking on. it sucked ass, and me and my little brother fucking hated it. Ron Howard would, of course, go on to make maddeningly middle-of-the-road movies of a similar nature.

Tom Bosley would go on to the glorious FATHER DOWLING MYSTERIES, which i, for some reason, could not get enough of. what a shitty show to fixate on- but like i said, we only had a couple of channels. The only reasons i can think of for liking it so much was my bizarre desire to be Catholic instead of Lutheran (in retrospect, i'm glad that didn't work out, no offense to Catholics) and the fact that Father Dowling had an EVIL TWIN named BLAINE?! so i guess it combined two of my childhood fixations: Catholics, and evil twins.

anyway, yeah. It seems like the Battle of the Network Stars has taken a DEADLY TURN! You best watch your ass, Jean Stapleton!

Sleep With the Angels, Barbara Billingsley

She was fierce in Airplane!. Word.

this is awesome.

nobody EVER comments on anything i write about courtney love or hole, but even if you DON'T like her, this animated short is pretty wonderful and smart and funny. it's only six minutes, you'll enjoy yourself i think. press play.

Riberace!

So the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing on October 17th, and since i won't be able to go, i forced Rob to go on my behalf. He complied, as indicated by the image above. More pictures to follow!

I'm SAD that the Liberace Museum is closing it's doors... it seems like one of those places that SHOULD exist, whether you enjoy Mr. Showmanship or not. And COME ON, this is like GAY GROUND ZERO (along with Stonewall). We're talking about the QUEEN OF ALL QUEENS! It just seems wrong.

there IS a silver, gem bedazzled lining, though- They're taking the show on the road! I've been telling myself that this might be better in a way, because this way ALL the gays of the US will have a fighting chance to see all this shit, rather than just the tacky ones who actually go to vegas (*coughROBcough*).

Corey Feldman Lacks Self-Awareness

BUT i will say that he was in Stand By Me, AND Gremlins AND The Lost Boys AND Goonies, so he's golden until the day he dies. Also, at least it's obvious he writes his own songs, which is more than you can say for a lot of A-list stars that get writing credits (talking to you, Beyoncé).

Julianne Moore Cries Over Everything

Everything in the literal, not-at-all-hyperbolic sense. BEHOLD: over three minutes of Julianne Moore crying.

Naked Lunch

This is one of those rare examples where the movie just breakdances in circles around the book. i'm sure a lot of people would disagree with me if they heard me say that, or saw me write it, but suck it. and take that berét off, you look ridiculous.

*Naked Lunch as a book is challenging to the point of absurdity. It's sort of like Burroughs' heroin addled spin on Finnegan's Wake-style convolution. i am personally convinced that ninety-nine out of every one-hundred people who claim to have read and enjoyed it either never read it at all or are lying. maybe one in a hundred people that says they read it even sort of understands it, let alone ADORES it the way people claim to. my best friend rob would put it on the pretentious book rack at the book store where he works. Still, i don't think it's ever been out of print- people LOVE to own books that are controversial, drug related and (to most) unreadable. See: bookshelves of people who were fifteen or so in 1996 that own suspiciously pristine copies of Irvine Welsh's 'Trainspotting.'

the MOVIE, however, is one of my top three favorites ever, i think. It's playing tomorrow night at the Loft Cinema in Tucson. i'm GOING. Me and my first boyfriend were very big into it, it was kind of bizarro romantic. the first thing he ever gave me was a little plastic toy mugwump. he'd make his own postcards that he'd send me and on them would be these little sketches of Naked Lunch creatures in between his insanely small taiwanese handwriting. ANYways, yeah. Such a great preview, too. and the colors and everything he uses are just amazing. i would LOVE to see Cronenberg go back to this kind of project. he's such a master. he needs to work with judy davis again, too!

*i LOVE Burroughs, but i don't like abstraction upon abstraction upon abstraction. maybe i'm just not smart enough or something, i don't know. if you have to have a debilitating drug problem to understand something, MAYBE IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE AS MUCH SENSE AS YOU THINK IT DOES.

"I'll Tear Out Your Endocrine System... If You Don't Drink VITAMIN WATER!"

I so want my own Gary Busey that i can train to behave erratically for my own personal amusement.

Exit the Zsa Zsa

Goodnight you fierce ass cop slapping bitch, you.

Baby Speaks in Tongues w/Subtitles

Some fundamentalist Carnival decided to let an eighteen month old burble and growl into a microphone for two minutes, and rather than be like "oh, it's cute, he makes sounds," they decided to interpret it as the baby speaking in a secret God language, ie SPEAKING IN TONGUES. Anyway, some GENIUS put subtitles on what the baby says, and it is DISTURBING how much the subtitles match up with the babysounds. Don't watch this at work, because you'll get fired for laughing and watching the interwebs.