my dick get dizzy like a busy bayonette

lyrical tetris, people.

because bobby trendy (that evil gay asian decorator (redundant much?) from the first anna nicole smith show on e!) deserves to be disemboweled, at least figuratively. kind of ho-hum at first, but stay tuned until :49 when the super creepy and oddly catchy chorus kicks in.

Thanks, House of Vader!

We're sorry! This content has turned back into a pumpkin!

Miss Arthur if You're Nasty

from the Associated Press:

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Beatrice Arthur, the tall, deep-voiced actress whose razor-sharp delivery of comedy lines made her a TV star in the hit shows "Maude" and "The Golden Girls" and who won a Tony Award for the musical "Mame," died Saturday. She was 86.

Arthur died peacefully at her Los Angeles home with her family at her side, family spokesman Dan Watt said. She had cancer, Watt said, declining to give further details.

"She was a brilliant and witty woman," said Watt, who was Arthur's personal assistant for six years. "Bea will always have a special place in my heart."

Arthur first appeared in the landmark comedy series "All in the Family" as Edith Bunker's loudly outspoken, liberal cousin, Maude Finley. She proved a perfect foil for blue-collar bigot Archie Bunker (Carroll O'Connor), and their blistering exchanges were so entertaining that producer Norman Lear fashioned Arthur's own series.

In a 2008 interview with The Associated Press, Arthur said she was lucky to be discovered by TV after a long stage career, recalling with bemusement CBS executives asking about the new "girl."

"I was already 50 years old. I had done so much off-Broadway, on Broadway, but they said, 'Who is that girl? Let's give her her own series,'" Arthur said.

"Maude" scored with television viewers immediately on its CBS debut in September 1972, and Arthur won an Emmy Award for the role in 1977.

The comedy flowed from Maude's efforts to cast off the traditional restraints that women faced, but the series often had a serious base. Her husband Walter (Bill Macy) became an alcoholic, and she underwent an abortion, which drew a torrent of viewer protests. Maude became a standard bearer for the growing feminist movement in America.

The ratings of "Maude" in the early years approached those of its parent, "All in the Family," but by 1977 the audience started to dwindle. A major format change was planned, but in early 1978 Arthur announced she was quitting the show.

"It's been absolutely glorious; I've loved every minute of it," she said. "But it's been six years, and I think it's time to leave."

"Golden Girls" (1985-1992) was another groundbreaking comedy, finding surprising success in a television market increasingly skewed toward a younger, product-buying audience.

The series concerned three retirees — Arthur, Betty White and Rue McClanahan — and the mother of Arthur's character, Estelle Getty, who lived together in a Miami apartment. In contrast to the violent "Miami Vice," the comedy was nicknamed "Miami Nice."

As Dorothy Zbornak, Arthur seemed as caustic and domineering as Maude. She was unconcerned about the similarity of the two roles. "Look — I'm 5-feet-9, I have a deep voice and I have a way with a line," she told an interviewer. "What can I do about it? I can't stay home waiting for something different. I think it's a total waste of energy worrying about typecasting."

The interplay among the four women and their relations with men fueled the comedy, and the show amassed a big audience and 10 Emmys, including two as best comedy series and individual awards for each of the stars.

In 1992, Arthur announced she was leaving "Golden Girls." The three other stars returned in "The Golden Palace," but it lasted only one season.

Arthur was born Bernice Frankel in New York City in 1922. When she was 11, her family moved to Cambridge, Md., where her father opened a clothing store. At 12 she had grown to full height, and she dreamed of being a petite blond movie star like June Allyson. There was one advantage of being tall and deep-voiced: She was chosen for the male roles in school plays.

Bernice — she hated the name and adopted her mother's nickname of Bea — overcame shyness about her size by winning over her classmates with wisecracks. She was elected the wittiest girl in her class. After two years at a junior college in Virginia, she earned a degree as a medical lab technician, but she "loathed" doing lab work at a hospital.

Acting held more appeal, and she enrolled in a drama course at the New School of Social Research in New York City. To support herself, she sang in a night spot that required her to push drinks on customers.

During this time she had a brief marriage that provided her stage name of Beatrice Arthur. In 1950, she married again, to Broadway actor and future Tony-winning director Gene Saks.

After a few years in off-Broadway and stock company plays and television dramas, Arthur's career gathered momentum with her role as Lucy Brown in the 1955 production of "The Threepenny Opera."

In 2008, when Arthur was inducted in the TV Academy Hall of Fame, Arthur pointed to the role as the highlight of her long career.

"A lot of that had to do with the fact that I felt, 'Ah, yes, I belong here,'" Arthur said.

More plays and musicals followed, and she also sang in nightclubs and played small roles in TV comedy shows.

Then, in 1964, Harold Prince cast her as Yente the Matchmaker in the original company of "Fiddler on the Roof."

Arthur's biggest Broadway triumph came in 1966 as Vera Charles, Angela Lansbury's acerbic friend in the musical "Mame," directed by Saks. Richard Watts of the New York Post called her performance "a portrait in acid of a savagely witty, cynical and serpent-tongued woman."

She won the Tony as best supporting actress and repeated the role in the unsuccessful film version that also was directed by Saks, starring Lucille Ball as Mame. Arthur would play a variation of Vera Charles in "Maude" and "The Golden Girls."

In 1983, Arthur attempted another series, "Amanda's," an Americanized version of John Cleese's hilarious "Fawlty Towers." She was cast as owner of a small seaside hotel with a staff of eccentrics. It lasted a mere nine episodes.

Between series, Arthur remained active in films and theater. Among the movies: "That Kind of Woman" (1959), "Lovers and Other Strangers" (1970), Mel Brooks ' "The History of the World: Part I" (1981), "For Better or Worse" (1995).

The plays included Woody Allen's "The Floating Light Bulb" and "The Bermuda Avenue Triangle," written by and costarring Renee Taylor and Joseph Bologna. During 2001 and 2002 she toured the country in a one-woman show of songs and stories, "... And Then There's Bea."

Arthur and Saks divorced in 1978 after 28 years. They had two sons, Matthew and Daniel. In his long career, Saks won Tonys for "I Love My Wife," "Brighton Beach Memoirs" and "Biloxi Blues." One of his Tony nominations was for "Mame."

In 1999, Arthur told an interviewer of the three influences in her career: "Sid Caesar taught me the outrageous; (method acting guru) Lee Strasberg taught me what I call reality; and ('Threepenny Opera' star) Lotte Lenya, whom I adored, taught me economy."

In recent years, Arthur made guest appearances on shows including "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Malcolm in the Middle." She was chairwoman of the Art Attack Foundation, a non-profit performing arts scholarship organization.

Arthur is survived by her sons and two granddaughters. No funeral services are planned.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!

Seth,

In case you havent heard, let me congratulate you on your essay "The Savage Wars of Peace." You won the academic/research writing award!

Thanks for being such a dedicated student, for working so hard, and for raising the bar in my class for everyone, even the Honors student.

See ya tomorrow.

-d

Light a Candle

J. G. Ballard died yesterday.

from Omnivoracious.com:

J.G. Ballard (November 15, 1930 to April 19, 2009) rewired the brains of generations of readers and writers. A member of the largely British New Wave movement of the 1960s, Ballard wrote mind-bending stories that changed reader perceptions of space and time, along with novels that dealt with every conceivable major theme of the twentieth century. His fictionalized memoir of his childhood, Empire of the Sun (1984), was made into a movie that brought him more readers than ever before. Ballard’s devastating satires of American politics, in particular his notorious jab at Ronald Reagan, went right to the edge of fictional possibility. But controversy and pushing boundaries were never problems for Ballard, as books like Crash, with its examination of literal auto-eroticism, proved. Such books also proved the lasting value of both literature and experimentation, being irreproducible in other media.

Another giant of post-World War II literature, Michael Moorcock, told Amazon, “Ballard and I, together with the late Barry Bayley, 'plotted' what became the New Wave revolution in the late 50s and early 60s. A regular and frequent contributor to New Worlds, he was a hugely inspiring and generous friend, if a little reclusive. Raised his three children single-handed after his wife died suddenly in Spain while on holiday and wrote a moving, exceptionally warm memoir, Miracles of Life, which was published in 2007, when he knew he was dying. His influence on a generation of writers in all fields, including Martin Amis and Will Self, was enormous and he remains perhaps the finest imaginative writer of his generation. He refused a CBE from the Queen in protest at the United Kingdom’s involvement in Iraq, and because he thought the title of Commander of the British Empire a ludicrous title for a modern Briton. He leaves a partner, Claire Walsh, who was his companion for over forty years and nursed him through his long illness.”


Born and raised in an American-controlled part of Shanghai, China, Ballard went on to study medicine at King’s College at Cambridge, intending to become a psychiatrist. However, realizing that this career would not allow him time to write he left King’s College in 1952 to study English literature at the University of London. Stints in the Royal Air Force and as the editor of a chemistry magazine were contiguous with writing short stories, and he soon found a home for many of them in the now-iconic New Worlds magazine. New Worlds would eventually become the flagship of the New Wave, which included writers like Michael Moorcock, James Sallis, and M. J. Harrison. In 1962, Ballard published his first novel, The Wind From Nowhere, and quit his day job to become a full-time writer.

Ballard came out of science fiction but, like other iconic figures, transcended the limitations of any particular genre. He dealt with issues like colonialism, worldwide disaster, sex, and, yes, such classic themes as love and death. Because of this, his influence was writ large. In terms of pop culture, Ballard also influenced bands like Radiohead, The Sisters of Mercy, and Joy Division.

Novelist Elizabeth Hand recalls “reading him when I was young in the 1960s, in some New Wave anthology or other...and then when I was older I sought him out wherever I could, and reviewed several of his later books. There was something so exhilarating about his vision of the world's decline, this combination of a very cold-eyed observation of humanity's greed and failings, and then a sort of glee in reporting it. His earlier work, things like The Drowned World (1962) and The Crystal World (1966), was so sensual in its detail; and then you ran head-on into stuff like The Atrocity Exhibition (1969)...fueled by that completely in-your-face rage and more of that inhuman glee, and so furiously intelligent--it was very heady stuff. My four dystopic SF novels and much of my earlier short fiction were inspired by Ballard.”

Ballard was unflinching in examining humankind’s ecological effect upon the world. But in placing most of his fiction, until recently, in projected futures or other speculative settings he ensured that it would largely remain timeless and undated.

Writer and reviewer Paul Di Filippo began reading Ballard in U.S. science fiction magazines around 1967, when he was thirteen years old. "He stretched my adolescent mind to new permanent fractal dimensions, an effect he had on many of my generation, and on plenty of adults as well, both 40 years ago and for the next several decades of unfaltering artistic accomplishment. He was the truest prophet and journalist of everything we saw going down around us during those tumultuous days. His astringent yet joyous take on all our self-inflicted dooms, technological, sexual, and cultural, assured us that the future would be much weirder than any Arthur C. Clarke prediction, even if we never left the surface of the planet, but only delved deeper into his patented realm of 'inner space.' The world is now deprived of a vital voice we still need, possibly more than ever."

On a personal note, I came to Ballard through his short stories while still a teenager, through collections like Terminal Beach (1964) and Vermillion Sands (1971). I first encountered Ballard on the back shelves of used bookstores, and thought he was one of the best treasures I ever discovered there. I always felt, reading his work, that I didn’t process a Ballardian piece of fiction; instead, it processed me. I saw the world differently after reading Ballard. Often, while in the middle of one of his stories, I would literally feel as if the spatial dimensions around me were shifting and that I was adrift. Somehow, as Martin Amis has said, Ballard got to a different part of your brain than other writers. This sense of enveloping the reader in the unknown and alien had a huge influence on my own fiction, and gave me permission to experiment in a way I don’t think I would’ve done otherwise.

“I think it's safe to say there are very few writers of speculative fiction who came of age after the 1960s who were not influenced by him in one way or another,” Hand told Amazon. “He captured the zeitgeist of a world in crisis and wrote about it fearlessly, and while his work was often cruel, it was never cold. He was an iconoclast who seemed to revel in the sound of our world shattering.”

The depth of that influence became apparent as messages on Facebook and Twitter from all types of writers flooded the internet Sunday afternoon. Reviewer and critic Ed Champion wrote “Ballard was one of the greats: an imaginative giant, a profoundly erudite iconoclast, one of those rare talents who came up with a warped concept if it was wild and provided the speculative heft needed to keep a thought experiment going.” Experimental novelist Lance Olsen commented, “We're all poorer for the loss. It doesn't get much better, much more unhinged, than Crash or The Atrocity Exhibition. Ballard taught us worlds.” And, as Czech editor Martin Šust said, “He was one of my favorite authors, especially for his short stories. He was a writer with international influence. His works are still unforgettable, and he is now immortal for all of us.”

Ballard commented in his own autobiography that the imagination transcends death. In the eyes of the readers he challenged and the writers he inspired, this statement is by no means hyperbole. He will be missed. In addition to his devoted partner Claire Walsh, Ballard leaves behind three children: James, Fay, and Beatrice.

Bringing the Unicorn-Oriented (Unicorniented?) Realness... Now with Viscera!

I don't know if i've said on here, but i have a Unicorn t-shirt collection.

This is my newest addition:

PRETTY FUCKING RAD, if i do say so myself.

i got it from threadless! they have great stuff, and it's a graphic design contest that gives mad money to the artists.

Use my link if you want, and i get a couple bucks in t-shirt credit. They have girlie tees, mens tees (up to 3XL for the big boys) and they have REALLY adorable kids tees, and even ONSIES for babies! AWWWWWW!

i don't normally schill, but this was such a cool shirt.

PS: their shit is pretty steep these days, but they have five dollar sales several times a year, so i recommend subscribing to the newsletter, so you don't miss them. i recently bought a couple threadless select shirts that were originally 25 bucks a piece for 10 bucks total plus shipping. at those prices you can hack the shirts up and just safety pin the design part onto your ass pockets or backpack or whatever.

sorry, this got ridiculously long for no good reason. here is that link (i don't get what the fucking problem is with blogger's hyperlinks! they worked yesterday!): http://www.threadless.com/?from=youreviltwin81 and sorry if you have to cut and paste into your browser.

Betty Fucking Crocker v. Darth Grandpa

My aunt and my grandpa left for nebraska on saturday morning, meaning that i would be spending easter alone, boo hoo.

actually, since my grandpa's so surly these days (he's 84, and his brain's starting to go, and he gets really hostile with me for no reason) i've basically been quarantined in my room since i got back from spring break on the 23rd of March... it seems like forever, but i guess it's just been a few weeks. When he's here, i can't do ANYTHING. i can't do laundry (he washes a single outfit by itself! he has TONS of clothes here, and he washes his shit one hanky at a time!) because he'll decide to "help" and fold my shit, and then put it on top of the cat condo (which is coated with a blanket of cat hair from FOUR CATS). that's a for instance. So... i admit that i have been waiting for him to go to Nebraska. It's just really frustrating being certified caregiver who specializes in geriatric care and is specialty trained to work with alzheimers/dementia and constantly have to watch my aunt systematically create a total fucking monster. Overcare is BAD. Overcare is DEBILITATING, it encourages dependence that isn't yet neccessary, it creates an attitude of entitlement, etc. my aunt WILL NOT challenge anything he says or does EVER, and i'm not allowed to either. "could you not put my clean clothes on a cat condo?" is me 'antagonizing him' according to her.

You know, i seriously love my grandpa. i do. it's just frustrating when you know how to help and make something way better and it COULD be easily done, but you're not allowed. it's like watching somebody give the wrong meds, and you know they're the wrong meds, and it's only going to make the patient sicker faster, but you can't say anything because... well, because some people can't do confrontation at all, including constructive confrontation, which DOES EXIST and CAN HAPPEN. some people just need to pretend they exist in fucking candyland where magical gumdrop horsies and peppermint ponies live in perfect harmony and nothing bad ever happens and la la la la la LALALALALALA EVERYTHING'S WONDERFUL, LET'S ALL JUST PRETEND IT'S NOT HAPPENING...

um, ok, i'm ranting like a lunatic (*deep, soothing breath*).

having said that, I know my aunt is expending an incredible amount of energy providing the best care she knows how to provide. I love her SOOO much, and all i can do is be supportive of her, because she truly is doing her absolute best with a difficult and painful situation. She's not making all the choices i would make, but she is his daughter, and it's different when you're caring for a relative, especially a parent. it's so much harder- i just wish she would let me help her, but our views on methodology differ so much and she knows that, so i get excluded for it. i understand... it's still frustrating, though.

you know what? this was supposed to be a real quick picture share about the food i made on saturday. i guess i had some resentments that i can't express in the direct way i would prefer.

MOVING ON:

SOOOO, house to myself (YAY!) i did three weeks of laundry (thank GOD), i cleaned the kitchen, i taught myself how to make pita bread from scratch (i brushed it with butter and garlic before serving), i roasted garlic and made a really great hummus, i made a giant veggie tray, i cleaned out the refrigerator, i washed my bedlinens and comforters (juju has been shedding with the season change), i vaccumed my room, downloaded music, made some DVD+R ISO's with xavier:renegade angel and Squidbillies and WonderShowzen for my new friend, Travis. I hauled ass and took names (or i would have if i hadn't been at home alone). My friend michael came over and told me about the varitable harem of native american and latino boys he's "in love with" this week and it was great to see him... hadn't in a month at least, i think. maybe five or six weeks. Travis was late getting over to my place, but he arrived and we watched saturday night live and ate and just kicked it and talked music and watched cartoons. he's just a really cool, fun, smart, nice guy and he lives close. so that's awesome! i'm kind of lonely out here in the valley- when i lived here before i was on crystal so bad, and all my friends were drug friends, and now that i'm back they're all in jail and rob is in northern phoenix and melia is... well. anyway, i've been hoping for a friend that i could kick it with regularly, and it looks like i've found a good candidate for that! he says he'll take me to the gym with him and he'll show me how to do weight stuff. i would just ask the employees, but i feel retarded for needing instruction and intimidated by the extremely athletic, so this will be good. um, yeah. so...

Pictures! The food actually doesn't look that good in the pics, but it was good and i felt it was impressive in person.

Pita bread i made from scratch! i thought it came out more like naan, and so i looked up the recipie for that, and it's pretty similar, it just takes like, 2 hours to make instead of one. i honestly think that this could pass for naan, though. except this only has flour, salt, sugar and yeast with a little oil for when it's rising, and naan has egg.

This is the veggie platter i made with the garlic hummus. I LOVE my mini cuisinart thingie! it makes stuff like hummus a snap, and it's SO EASY to make, and so cheap, too, and everybody loves hummus. except communists. red bastards.

RASPOURRI!!!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carol Channing!

1. Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover up Carol Channing!
2. Carol Channing can be found on a Cluedo board between the Library and the Conservatory.
3. Michelangelo finished his great statue of Carol Channing in 1504, after eighteen months work!
4. Only fifty-five percent of men wash their hands after using Carol Channing.
5. More than one million stray dogs and half a million stray cats live in Carol Channing.
6. The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does not mention Carol Channing!
7. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find Carol Channing.
8. In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from Carol Channing.
9. If Carol Channing was life size, she would stand 7 ft 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the size of a human!
10. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal Carol Channing.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Ummm... This is FUN!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Seth!

1. Women shoplift four times more frequently than seth!
2. All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays - including the female roles - were originally played by seth.
3. By tradition, a girl standing under seth cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege.
4. Seth has only one weakness - the colour yellow.
5. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about seth.
6. If you lick seth ten times, you will consume one calorie.
7. Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of seth!
8. Early thermometers were filled with seth instead of mercury!
9. Seth can smell some things up to six miles away!
10. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of seth in a day!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Mechanical Contrivium, Reloaded: This Time, It's Personal!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Still life with monkey and cigarette!

1. All the moons of the Solar System are named after characters from Greek and Roman mythology, except the moons of Uranus, which are named after still life with monkey and cigarette!
2. The National Heart Foundation recommends eating still life with monkey and cigarette at least three times a week!
3. Still life with monkey and cigarette was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
4. Still life with monkey and cigarette can be very poisonous if injected intravenously.
5. Humans share over 98 percent of their DNA with still life with monkey and cigarette.
6. Still life with monkey and cigarette can jump up to sixteen times his own height.
7. The number one cause of blindness in the United States is still life with monkey and cigarette.
8. The only planet that rotates on its side is still life with monkey and cigarette!
9. Donald Duck's middle name is still life with monkey and cigarette.
10. Antarctica is the only continent without still life with monkey and cigarette!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Best Paper of the Year Nominations!

you can tell it's exciting news because i'm making my excited face.


So... much of my sense of self-worth revolves around the notion that i am smart. a big part of the notion that i am smart revolves around the notion that i am a good writer, and understand writery things (understanding grammar and punctuation is different than applying them... i'm talking more about content anyway). SOOOO.... the following is BIG FUCKING NEWS in my world:

I found out this week that i'm nominated for best paper of the year at my community college! it's not an announced competition. teachers just pull the papers that they think are the best from what their students submit and um... yeah. i'm nominated in TWO OF TWO categories: academic writing and personal/creative writing. My teacher from last semester (ENG101) nominated me for the creative writing one, and my current teacher Mr. Finley who teaches my FREEDOM AND TERROR!!!!!!!! class nominated me for the academic award.

i'm actually really excited, and i probably shouldn't be but i really really really really am, and i hope i sweep both categories, making me king writer of local junior colleges! and there are like, 9,500 people enrolled where i go, with about 2,600 fulltime students, so it's not like there's no competition.

for those of you who are interested (hahahaha, even i'm not that delusional), you can check out my eportfolio at the link below (...which doesn't really work, so you'll have to cut and paste it into your browser... sorry- anybody want to tell me how to hyperlink on blogger?). **UPDATE: I FIGURED IT OUT!**

http://eport.cgc.maricopa.edu/published/s/al/salvis74/home/1/

go to the select page dropdown menu and you can dink around it there and read whatever you want...

Under English 101, Fall Semester 2008 is:

the creative/personal paper that got NOM'd is called Reflective Essay: 'The Mailroom.' I actually feel a little bit uncomfortable about that, because it's about my fucked up family and stuff, but i figure that i lived it and so it's fair game, and if my mom and stepfather didn't want their shit to come out then they shouldn't have done it in the first place. i hope it doesn't come across as "poor me," and i my intended tone was dispassionate- i didn't want it to be emotionally manipulative or anything. i have mixed feelings about the piece. it's the first thing we wrote all semester (first assigned paper in like, twelve or thirteen years for me) it's unevenly written, it IS personal, and it's probably the weakest thing i've written all year for school, but my teacher thought it was good. and just for the record, in my first draft, i just implied abuse, i DID NOT describe anything, but my teacher said that i needed an illustration and i figured that if i had to get specific, i should make it good. good as in severe, not good as in good, of course.

my favorite paper i've written all year is the "v is for vagina" visual analysis paper. it's a good paper, but it's not QUITE academic- no citations, etc. it's uneven too (my friend michael broke my heart after he read it when he said "It starts out The New Yorker, but by the time it's over, it's Fox News." Ouch, baby, very ouch. i kind of agree, though). my teacher made some comment in class about the drudgery of reading endless papers, and how a good way to engage your instructor's attention is to use sex. my teacher said a lot of things about what he liked to see in papers, and i just basically made mental notes and squished all his favorites into everything i wrote.

Under Freedom and Terror: Cultures in Conflict is:

the academic paper that got NOM'd is called Essay 1: 'The Savage Wars of Peace: Social and Spiritual Manifestations of Colonial Control.'

let me know what the proverbial 'you' think.

finally, in the event that i don't win either award, prepare for some pronounced negativity and poor sportsmanship.

blogger's remorse

um, i'm feeling kind of bad about my last post. sometimes when i write or say things they feel like they're fair game and funny, but then the next day i'm like "wow, i'm fucking mean. what's wrong with me?"

I Got Hoes (i got hoes) in DIfferent Area Codes (Area Codes)...

I'm not sure if i've mentioned it, but after Lu, i am officially wary of brazillian guys and of pianists in general. LUCKILY, this guy below, who has viewed my profile over and over from Olinda, Brazil is not a threat because he's straight, as per his profile status. *breathes sigh of relief/disappointment*
work it, gurl! It takes a man who is very comfortable with his HETEROSEXUAL and MASCULINE SEXUALITY to wear white leotards after labor day. especially with all the sparkly silver piping.

is it me, or is something a little off about his face?

AH, YES.... he's part fucking BEAR TRAP. and he's using mangoes as a metaphor for his love of... um.... boobs. because he's a vagina-o-holic.

it's so unfair that he's straight. all the really hot ones are.

ok, this is a different dude, obviously.

i saw this dude's picture, and i was like, "wow, he's pretty damn hot in a maybe a little bit to slick and stylish for me" kind of way. i was like "those are some wierd scars... i wonder what those are from?" i saw these, and i was like "oops... he's super stylish, and these look like model pictures. why is he even looking at my profile?"

then i saw the rockerboy shirtless pic, and i was like, "well, who am i to say who this guy can and cannot be into. if he likes me in all of my phsically lackluster glory, so be it..." and then i scrolled down and:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY'S KILLED HIM.... oh wait, there's a caption:

"i like to play on hooks."

of COURSE he does. he's super hot and has expressed interest in me. i'm lucky he's not asking me to poop on his face while his mom watches.

ok, different dude:

If you want some dude to make you be his dog, wouldn't you want to just find some super dominant dude who just does that sort of thing anyways? i like how he's got slippers in the shot. PS, this was taken at the hotel he works at... while he was working. imagine your boss finding that. OH! unless his boss was some sort of freaky leather daddy or something... but i imagine that most boys in the hotel industry are pig bottoms, so that's probably a pipe dream.

different dude: YES, that's right! i have been courted by the former Mr. Liza Minnelli... i think that's him, anyway. David Gest: dreamlover.

the next three pictures are of the same guy. His handle on okcupid is, get this, be_my_angel. This guy's like, 45 years old. get a fucking life, dude.

um, nice CHOKER made of shells.

oh look, he's returned to the blue lagoon. *note: that fish is only a foot and a half long.

mmmmm, creepy melanoma tanned gollum looking middle-aged dude with creepy wire nipple rings who wears those FUCKING SEASHELL CHOKERS, attends country thunder and is looking for someone to "be_his_angel." i am so hot right now.

We Are Legion.

i like how the newsroom graphic says "unbeWEAVEable!"

once again i have shamelessly stolen content from the singularly fierce (not a word i use lightly, mind you- it's just that there is no other appropriate word) http://www.houseofvader.blogspot.com

Karaoke and Compassion start with different letters for a reason

Andy Hallett as the Host, AKA Lorne

andy hallett who played the Host aka Lorne on Angel died today of congestive heart failure at the age of thirty-three. He will be remembered for his memorable turns in... umm... Angel, in which he played the Host, aka Lorne.

i told my best friend rob. below is a transcript of that conversation.

"Rob! Lorne from Angel died! he was only thirty-three!"

"That sucks... what did he die from?"

"Congestive heart failure."

"Well, he wasn't the greatest singer... in fact, i think he was one of the worst singers i've ever heard..."

"He didn't deserve to die for it!"

"no... not to die."

Rob, besieged by grief at the news of Hallett's passing.

Germonicorn: POWER LESBIAN!

Doesn't Germone look like somebody that Jodie Foster could possibly find happiness with (in this picture taken before he got his mandatory haircut)? Like, "Oh, hai! My name's Linda, and i'm the head of accounting for a chain of ice rinks in upstate New York, where i also teach figure skating and coach a semi-professional girls ice hockey team. My hobbies include driving to the Albany Mall to buy clothes from J Crew and eating cinnabons while catching the latest Sandra Bullock film at the multi-plex! My favorite shows include Charmed and This Old House. In the summer time, i love nothing more than to grill me and the special lady in my life a nice juicy steak, then hop in my Subaru Outback and zoom off to Kentucky for a long weekend at the rodeo!"

*this message brought to you and paid for in part by Seth's Recreational Campaign of Blogular Terror Against Boyfriends (SRCBTAB). 2009, all rights reserved.

we're the unicorns... we're more than horses...

greatest band ever?

greatest band ever.









you're WELCOME!