Real Love

written and unsuccessfully published on 11/02/2011: so i've been trying to edit my post about robert, but for whatever reason, blogger isn't letting me save changes. i wrote it a few hours after i found out he was dead, and it was late and i was calling people to talk about it, but nobody was up so i wrote about it. i just wanted to say that i don't really want to die, i was on my third forty and deep in grief and that's what came out. i don't believe in god, but robert sure did, and i was/am angry that something like that should happen to him. anyway, i'm up in prescott now. his partner michael got in last night, and i'm surrounded by amazing friends and things are as good as they can be given the horrible circumstances.

My Friend Robert Gonzales is Dead

Robert barely knew me when he made a concerted effort to pull me out of the wreckage of my life. i was doing daily labor and couch surfing with no personal belongings beyond a ratty post-post-second hand duffel full of lost and found clothing from the kicked out bin from a series of half way homes. he barely knew me, but he was like "i'm sick of you being in flux. fuck that. you're coming to stay at my place." and so it was. i moved in. he arranged me to take over his lease. he got me a job at the resort he worked at. he got me dress clothes, he took me to meetings, he was amazing, he was like pure love.

yesterday, while he was helping his sister angie move, he got in a car accident and now he's dead. i can't fucking believe it. if i had never met him, i know for a fact that i'd be dead. i am so broken hearted i can't even express the pain. he is one of the most amazing, selfless people i've ever known and to think that he's dead is such a slap in the face of fairness, reason, and cause and effect that i am in a profoud tailspin of faith and so on and so forth. his partner michael isn't even in the state. i'm zooming up to prescott tomorrow to um... you know. be there. i love robert so much, i want to die with him. i can't believe he's gone. i can't fucking believe it. no no no no no no no. no fucking nooooooooo. where is your god now, world. where is your fucking god?

Words Very Nearly Fail Me At Times

This guy is a GRADE A CUNT, and if you don't think so, i hope you end up marrying this guy because you deserve it.




MY SELF SUMMARY
I'm a University of Arizona graduate, I studied marketing and work in the field. I grew up in California before moving to Arizona as a teenager. I attended high school here and was involved in several sports. I'm pretty laid back, I like to chill out with friends and have a few drinks. Play sports. I like to travel and see new places. Enjoy some great sex.
I don't like drama. While I'm on the subject on things I don't like; fems and flamers, fatties and chubs, old men, unemployed and uneducated. PLEASE DON'T message me.
WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE
I've graduated from the U of A and now I'm working my dream job, I continue to grow in what I do and embrace my growth as human being.
My ultimate goal is to open my own ad agency and marketing firm and have a global clientele.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT
at sports, I lettered in Baseball, football and swimming. I'm also good at sex, I've told I'm amazing and I only attribute it to my nice friend below the waste...lol I'm pretty good at making my partner feel good too.


THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME
Guys tell me they notice that I'm fit and in shape. Girls say they notice my eyes then they tell both tell the truth and tell me the bulge in my pants...lol

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC AND FOOD
Don't care to read much these days.
I like action movies, the more fighting and explosives, the harder my erection,
I hate foreign films and think that subtitles are dumb. I don't want to spend time reading during a movie. Most of the time they are low budget anyways.
Music is pretty much open, I do like alternative and rock, but sometimes catch myself listening to pop.
I love food! A day at the beach and eating fresh seafood seaside is the best. Never can pass up a good surf and turf. I like Mexican and Italian food as well, just can't cook for the life of me.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
Honestly, sex. I'm young and have a great libido. If YOU CAN INTEREST ME IN YOU, then I think you have a good catch. I can have great conversations, they just need to spark my interest.

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM
Chillin with friends, usually on 4th Ave getting drunk, not at the gay clubs!

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I AM WILLING TO ADMIT
The most private thing I’m willing to admit I've slept with my ex-girlfriend's brother.



I’M LOOKING FOR
Guys who like guys
Ages 18-27
Near me
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, casual sex

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF:
You're HOT, you like how I look, You like sex, you think you can handle me. I like to be outdoors and stay busy and fit, if you are a runner, swimmer, hiker, sports guy or cyclist we'd get along fine.
You shouldn't message me if you're; FAT, OLD, feminine, an IDIOT or looking for a "life partner" I'm 23 and NOT ready to settle down.

Did You Miss Me?

Reboot coming very soon. It has been a hard fucking year, and i think i'm ready to talk about it (as well as random bullshit, as is my wont). So much to say.

Sinéad's Script

self-servingly swiped from the smart and clever Kubla Kong.

300

so since i got back from nebraska on march sixth i have been whirlwinding hardcore- on the seventh i SORT OF moved in with my new, probationary boyfriend.

he's half native american and half black, really handsome, super sweet and nice and easy to be around but he also owns a gun. i find him very sexy, which is not my strong suit. sex is a bit of a handicap for me, but we fit together like legos (is that an asexual thing to say?) and yeah. it's pretty weird- he manages a care home that specializes in alzheimer's and dementia, and he's been there for fourteen years. he started as a caregiver. he got me a job there, and i really like the residents, but there are a lot of cunts in the house i work in. they're all latinas and they're very cold and mean and clique-y but i don't mind so much most of the time, i'm so happy for the job and i do love the residents. joel doesn't manage that house, though, he manages the one next door. apparently, his employee given nickname over there is 'The Red Queen,' which he and i both delight in. he has a little long haired dachshund. my cat juju TERRIFIES him, and yet he won't stop antagonizing him. he literally ate rocks the other day, though, so there you go. the thing is retarded (although very sweet).

school is set up for me to go back this summer, starting in the end of may. they said my spring semester financial aid would roll over as long as i was enrolled half-time for the first summer session, which i am.

hmm... what else. oh, because god likes to make me eat my words, joel lives in tucson so i have moved back to tucson. when i lived here before i hated it, but joel says i just wasn't hanging out with the right people/going to the right places. both are true- i wasn't hanging out with anyone and i wasn't going anywhere except school and occasionally to the movies. i guess the last thing is that since august i've lost eighty pounds through exercise and diet. i'm not saggy like i was worried i would be- i guess that only happens if you were either super super huge or if you lose your weight via diet alone without sufficient exercise. i ride my bike about ten miles a day during the workweek, and i do free weights and ab stuff and planks. i am feeling somewhat attractive, have visible muscles and all that. don't want to jinx it, and i am not done (but i'm getting close!) but i am proud-ish of myself.

just wanted to say that i'm alive, i'm doing really well, i'm with a new guy who treats me well, i am working, school hasn't blown up in my face... oh, and david foster wallace came out with a new book. i mean, it's posthumous, but still. DAVID FUCKING FOSTER WALLACE. if you're a reader, get on that shit.

this has been my three hundredth blog post.

thank you for reading.

Blue

Yellow circus left the stakes a broken ropes world's useless mug
The ties that bind, ha ha
I can be bad poet
Street poet
Shit poet
Kind poet too

Subway
Almost 4AM
Halloween night
Had enough to drink to make my own party
All my fellow writers in half costume, half asleep
Half silly, gone to seed

I don't mark my time with dates, holidays, faded wisdom, locked karma holders
Convenient

I am made by my times
I am a creation of now
Shaken with the cracks and crevices
I'm not giving up easy
I will not fold
I don't have much
But what I have is gold

I saw your face...

I sing in platinum
I dress in brass
I eat in zinc
Let it pass

Compare a toast
I like that
I understand courage
I still roll with the shout of a character I was married to today
I try to see outside myself
I understand the eyes
Excuse all the highs
Sorry
I am sorry
Ha ha

I like you, love you, every coast of you.
I've seen your eddies and tides and hurricanes and cyclones.
Low ebb tide and high, full moon.
Up close and distant.
I read you.
Look, the sky, the sea, the ocean, the sun, the moon.
Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.
Naked and blue.

Breathing with you. Touch. Change. Shift. Allow air. Window open. Drift. Drift away. Into now.

I want Whitman proud. Patti Lee proud. My brothers proud. My sisters proud. I want me. I want it all. I want sensational. Irresistible.

This is my time and I am thrilled to be alive.

Living. Blessed. I understand.

Twentieth century:
Collapse Into Now

Cinderella boy
You've lost your shoe

Cinderella boy
Your coach awaits

A sun makes shadows
All over your face
As you sit
Naked and blue
Into me

grandpa/hiatus/haiku

my grandpa died. already super-irregularly updated blog on indefinite hiatus. must go to nebraska on tuesday.

this entry sounds like
a haiku of detached pain
but i shall return

Foreshadowing/I Miss My Grandma

Ms Cyd Adams
512q No 15th St.
Apt #509
Phoenix, Az. 85014

7-10-90

Dear Cyd*:-
Enclosing some pictures we took on the new 35mm camera i got dad for father's day. he shoots everything and i think we are getting some good ones. I took many shots of antique shop-- new car-- the house on avenue and wheat harvest and drilling soybeans in the wheat stubble. Have some more to take as the film is 36 exposures.
We took RV down to Indian Cave for couple of nights affter the pressure of harvest was over. it rained a ton but needed it so just went to bed and slept through it. brought the rig home this morning. Been driving back and forth.
Jesse** has chicken pox and not too happy with the confinement of it. Carries some fever but generally getting along pretty good. Seth*** hasn't started yet but he has boy scout camp starting tomorrow so hope he gets to go before the pox catch up with him. He will be so disappointed if he doesn't get to go. Leave Wed. afternoon and come back Sat morning. Go to the boy scout camp at Dubois. Should really have a wonderful time. Hope he makes it.
Now that harvest is over maybe we can finish up some of our other projects. Need to finish trim at the avenue

-2-

house. Also need to finish the house on O street. The west side and porch need paint and all screens need painted. Then the lady on "N" street moved and would be good time to do the trim down there as well as some carpenter work on basement stairs. Also some cement work. Too much to do! Then we got 1000 more paving bricks to be brought over here for driveway and other places. Wanted to get porches on this summer but too hot now so may e a fall project when we get back from Phoenix. Which reminds me to inquire as to whether you and doctor have come up with any date certain in Sept.**** We plan to come few days before you go into hospital and will stay as long as we can afterwards. Reason I would like to know is I was going to order State Fair tickets if I thought I'd use them but won't if I'm not. Doesn't bother me if I don't go but will go if I'm going to be here. Got any answers at this time?
We certainly are enjoying the car. It is such a pretty thing. Needs a bath and good vacuuming. The boys did real good as we kept them apart when we went anyplace. They were with us 3 weeks and was long for them too*****. They were glad for their mother to get home and

-3-

we haven't seen them since. Been a week or better but with temps at 107 - 108 (degrees farenheit) it was too hot to go anywhere you did need to. Jo was too hot and tired to come over after work and usually lays down before supper. Then Jesse got the chic pox so had to stay in. Jo goes to Columbus for 3 days in August for her job so they will be back then I guess.
We got a long letter from David******. He is in So. Carolina. Wants your address and phone number. I'll send to him if you don't mind but won'd if you don't want me too. Jo won't even respond to him and I know he is lonesome but has brought on so much himself.
Bev Clarke******* retire's at Glen's Drug Store and they had a coffee for her Monday morning. She is thrilled to death and I know she will enjoy it more as she goes along. She and Anna Belle Redfern******** are going on a trip to Alaska in August. Has had her tickets since March. It is 12 days I think. Some tour! Know they will enjoy. Will wind this up and get it in mail. Write us some time. Take care, and put pictures up, and we will get what you don't want to keep when we come.

Love,
Mom & Dad*********

KEY:
*Cyd is my aunt, the one that raised me from my mid-teens on.
**my younger brother, 2 years and three months younger than me.
***me
****Cyd was getting hysterectomy that year.
*****Jolene (or just 'Jo') my mother, was visiting my future stepfather in Pennsylvania that summer.
******David, my father.
*******?
********?
*********My Grandma wrote the letter, she just always signed stuff as being from both of them.

on the back of the envelope are some numbers:
3 26 27
36-39-42
35

See...

THIS is exactly the reason that i can NEVER be famous. i mean, i can write, but i would have to use a pseudonym because there is a METRIC TON of crazy seth stuff out there in the world, and without a series of well-executed assassinations, i just don't see that going away.

Gregg Araki Returns to Form

I am excited that the new Gregg Araki movie looks like his older shit.

'mysterious skin' is clearly his BEST film (and a masterful adaptation of the very powerful Scott Heim novel of the same name), and 'smiley face' is probably my all time favorite pot-oriented movie (although my stoner friends are kind of luke-warm about it, i thought it was extremely funny), but my FAVORITE Gregg Araki films are definitely 'The Doom Generation' and 'Nowhere.' 'Totally Fucked Up' is also very good, and it is a solid precursor to DG and Nowhere, and the first in the 'Teenaged Apocalypse Trilogy.' not really into 'the Living End,' and 'Splendor' was ok, but i didn't like to see him compromising or even bothering to make concessions to the mainstream, but it still had it's moments. they can't all be winners.

so yeah. Gregg Araki is fucking rad. 'KABOOM' looks awesome.

this is kind of breakdown-y but i'm ok

so i'm in chandler taking care of my grandpa, and he's declining pretty fast. i'm not sure i'd call it end of life, but things aren't going well. it's just decline after decline, and we're introducing an additional dementia drug, and a new painkiller and a new pain management treatment, but the fact is, mental state is sliding (although the hostile phase is over, and he's much more docile and receptive to the level of care that he needs) dude is not walking well, he's falling, and everybody can hope for the best all they want, but that shit does not get better at 85.

as previously mentioned, my mother the borg queen visited in mid december. it's almost a month since she left and i am still so fucking furious with her that i hesitate to discuss it. i'm just going to say two things about her is all.

1.)she is literally the most repulsive 'human being' i have ever encountered in my entire life, and by a significant margin.

2.)throughout my entire adult life (which i consider to be 15 years old on) i always though that my mother just happened to have a great deal of the traits that i find most undesireable in people (including my own faults). what i realized during her visit was that she is the reason that i find certain traits and behaviors so repellant. she is essentially the template for everything in this world that i abhor. it seems like semantics, but it feels like one of the more profound revelations i've had in my life. it also seems kind of insanely obvious and i feel a little dumb that i didn't realize this before.

i broke up with germone two days before christmas but it was clear that he wanted me to break up with him, so i would call it mutual, he was probably just being generous. it wasn't a hostile thing, we were both just worn the fuck out. still care about him, wish him well blah blah blah.

found grandpa on the bathroom floor this morning soaked in pee, and immediately made the decision that i have to withdraw from college indefinitely to provide care. kind of traumatized by that, but i couldn't deal with it if i were down in tucson and shit got ugly and i'd have to drop all my classes anyway, and that would be more academically and financially and logistically disruptive mid-semester than it would be before the start of semester. when i told germone, almost the very first thing he was said was that since i wouldn't be coming down one week a month for school, then we needed to look at me getting my shit out of there sooner, so i'm going to go down and try to pack my shit in 2 days on a weekend, put it in storage, etc. germone's helping me, he's going to drive me back up to chandler in the u-haul (WAY MORE than he has to do, and i am DOING MY BEST to be grateful), but i will say that as always his timing is so bad that it seems sadistic even though i think/know that it's happenstance and not malevolence (but how can somebody's timing always be SO FUCKING BAD?! it starts to make you a little paranoid/cynical after a while). at least after my shit's in storage it will be OVER, i'll have closure, i won't be living in tucson which i have hated and it will be less energy that i'll have to misappropriate. more focus and strength where it is needed.

this last week i've been seeing this guy- i know it's soon, but i think it's healing and i don't WANT to do a grieving period, no offense to germone- it's not that germone isn't worth grieving over, it's just that i just fucking refuse to wallow right now, especially taking care of my grandpa. i really like him (new guy), i'm trying not to get too attached but it's been fun and he's sweet and i think he's sexy and after breaking up after a 2 year relationship fun and sweet is just what i need and it's been a good start if it is in fact a start. trying to just focus on enjoying the company, affection, newness without overthinking it into the ground. a little bit of happy never hurt anybody, right?

anyway, i know this post probably seems beyond grim, but to me it isn't. BIG FUCKING CHANGE is happening, and it hurts and all of my god laughter inducing man plans are getting mixed up and smushed up and rearranged like cosmic taffy and my grandpa is dying, and i'm watching my aunt who i love more than anybody in the whole world watch her last living parent, her last immediate family member who isn't my evil cunt mother, her dad who she adores decline and die, and i had to see my mom, and i spent another two years in a relationship that didn't work and school is a big question mark and all of this fucking hurts so bad and it feels like it's TOO MUCH or right at the edge of TOO MUCH but the crazy thing is that at the same time i feel so much hope and like the profound is at work here and and it's going to be horrible and gut wrenching but kind of beautiful too, and i get to be here for it and that's an honor and i'm crying right this second, but i feel SO STRONG at my core, stronger than i've felt in years and i'm like I CAN DO THIS and shit is going to work out, and my life is going to be better for it and i don't have to be afraid and this is GROWTH, and that beauty, peace and wonder are right around the corner. i feel love.

Boy George is FIERCE

so boy george was openly, DIRECTLY tweeting rose mcgowan...
"I remember how rude you were to me in New York, have you become nicer? Lol!"

and

"It was when she was dating Manson, she was vile actually!"

DELIGHTED, i tweet that Boy George is OFFICIALLY going on the list of people i don't want pissed at me because he will call you the fuck out and cut your face and he TWEETED ME BACK, like "no actually, i wouldn't, but i do have to have the last word, even if it's silence." (um, WERK?!?!!) and now HE'S following ME on twitter?! i was tickled pink- or should i say i was tickled RED, GOLD, and GREEN (RED, GOLD, and GREEN)?!

maybe it's a little bit country faggot of me to be so excited, but boy george is the BEST kind of kunty- smart, sort of sweet, sort of sour if you cross him, but definitely NOT to be trifled with (or he will CHAIN YOU TO HIS RADIATOR AND BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE THE TURNED OUT BITCH HE'S MADE OF YOU!!!).

i still say that his autobiography 'take it like a man' along with holly woodlawn's 'a low life in high heels' are the two best (most entertaining and cleverly written) autobios i've ever read.

UMMMM, THIS JUST IN?!!

boy george is posting pics of his DICK CHAIRS?

"I have four! Love them!"

oh. my. god. best twitter account EVER.