Heart Grow Fonder

So tomorrow's my last final, and then i'm off to house sit for my aunt in Chandler. Her computer is almost ten years old, and can barely turn on, so it's unlikely that i'll be blogging for the next ten or eleven days. When i get back to Tucson, i'll be packing up to move house by June 1st, so i'm not sure how much i'll be blogging when i get back, either... you might not hear from me until next month. Not that you would have noticed if i hadn't mentioned it, lol.

If for some reason you MISS ME, feel free to lurk my somehow MORE insipid twitter presence. i can do that from my phone.

Heed The Word, or SUFFER!!!

i don't usually get into the nitty-gritty of my personal life on here, but this is FUCKED UP and i just need to vent backslash throw my piece of shit ex-boyfriend under the bus of public opinion. I will be going on in great detail, and at great length. On the one hand, that's tiresome and probably kind of tacky and almost certainly a teensy bit petty. On the other hand, this is a blog, not a church.

In early mid-January, David Mason from House of Vader wrote THIS classic ditty about the special type of BATSHIT CRAZY shared by Brazilians, Israelis and "most of all MINNESOTANS." It's a prime example for why his blog is great, and, having spent many years of my youth (seven years, off and on mostly on) in thrall to a certain Brazillian STALE TWINKIE, it had a whiff of truth about it. i even commented on the post, something along the lines of "i wouldn't call (my ex) INSANE, but he's a little bit structurally unsound" or something like that.

A couple of weeks after that, i was telling Germone about my regrets about this relationship, and my feelings of guilt that i didn't handle the whole thing differently, and how bad i felt about having hurt this guy. His name is Lu, by the way. Approximately the same time, i got a job that i mentioned on here before... my boss is from MINNESOTA! so far so good with that one, but STAY TUNED!

i guess i shouldn't have kept using his DEMON NAME with such frequency, because before the week was out, he appeared via email like i had SUMMONED HIM or something. He was demanding that i take down a couple of pictures i had on my okcupid profile on the basis that they had members of his family in them... because they were wedding pictures from when i was down there. If he'd come at me nice, and ASKED instead of trying to just fucking BULLY me for no good reason, i would have done it, but he had to be a PRICK, and was like "take the pictures of MY FAMILY off your profile."

OK, there's a couple reasons that this is ridiculous.

1.) He made a big deal about it when i broke up with him over TWO YEARS AGO, and then decided to "let me" use these pictures and gave me written permission to do so.
2.) There is NOTHING objectionable about me using these pictures. In the context of a profile of a gay man on Okcupid, his middle-aged FEMALE relatives are clearly NOT the subject. The captions were like "me at a brazillian wedding" and "stop taking my picture."
3.)It's been over TWO YEARS since i've spoken to/interacted with him.
4.)He's 43 years old, and this is the shit he's pulling.

anyway, i wrote him back and was like

"yeah, it's been over two years since we've spoken to each other. maybe it's time to stop looking at my profile. if you want to talk to me, why don't you try being civil, instead of trying to instigate some sort of conflict.

i'm not taking down the pictures, and if you just can't deal with that, i guess you can get a lawyer."

the lawyer thing was a JOKE, but he writes back in one email

"Look Seth, I don’t really care about that. Not necessary for you to get so upset for such a little thing. If you think it’s so important to keep the pictures of MY FAMILY on the profile you get your men, I give a fuck. I really wish your happiness, so if keeping pictures of a family that has nothing to do with you, well, please, do it. However, that means I am free to use your pictures as well on where I want. About the letter I supposedly gave you the permission, I just don’t have time to read it. I am glad you could. Don’t you know? I am doing finally my doctoral in music at São Paulo University, having such a great life at Alto de Pinheiros neighborhood with my boyfriend, which is the best guy in the whole world. Take care. Beijos."

this is where he begins to THREATEN ME, making allusions to naked pictures from NINE YEARS AGO. I particularly enjoy the part where he tells me about his education (DIDN'T ASK) boyfriend (DIDN'T ASK) and NEIGHBORHOOD? REALLY?! he thinks i give a fuck about how chic his neighborhood in BRAZIL is? (OH MY GOD, HOW I DIDN'T ASK).

i wrote him back:

"yeah, you're clearly doing GREAT, and you seem SUPER happy and well adjusted. congratulations on your perfect life."

which i probably shouldn't have done, as that was followed quickly by

"I may have given you the permission to use the pictures of me on the profile you look for YOUR men, but MY FAMILY did not allow you to use THEIR pictures on YOUR “sexy” profile. I’ve asked them and my aunts and sister didn’t approve it. So that’s why I ask for you to take out those pictures. You mention that I better hire a lawyer. I actually have found one and I think I am going to use his services. Thank you for you understanding, Seth. You are wonderful."

Attached was a picture of me with my dick out from NINE YEARS AGO. i mean, i hardly look like the same person, you know?

i actually don't know what he's talking about as far as okcupd. have you guys SEEN okcupid? actually, go look at my profile- http://www.okcupid.com/profile/youreviltwin81

NOT EXACTLY overtly sexual... or sexual AT ALL, really.

plus, there are NEW flaws in his logic/sense of reality.
1.) He actually went and talked to his family about whether or not they were comfortable with his boyfriend from two years ago who lives in the United States using photos of himself that they were also in on an ALL ENGLISH LANGUAGE WEBSITE, and they said that they CARED.
2.) He went and talked to his family about this and they didn't have him INSTITUTIONALIZED for being INSANE.
3.) He's 43 years old.
4.) can you IMAGINE the laughter that would come from ANY LAWYER you brought a complaint like this to?

anyway, yeah. after that one liner about him having the perfect life and being well-adjusted, i stopped responding. that DIDN'T stop him.

"So sad that you don’t have a family, Seth! I feel sorry for that. Is that why you need to use ex-boyfriend’s family pictures on your “whore” profile? I just think it’s funny. My aunts and sister are not enjoying that much, though. Because they may get a little annoyed for having their pictures where THEY didn’t allow to post I think it’s fair to create an account anywhere and post some nice pictures of you. You like to deal with aunts, how about sending some pictures of you to YOUR aunt? I am sure she’ll love them as my aunts love having their pictures on your whore profile. Again, you are fantastic, Seth! Thank you for the extra entertainment on my free time."

There's another picture attached, and the subject line he chose is BAD ASS, meaning that my ass is unattractive, i guess.

After i got this one, i called my aunt Cyd, and told her that lu might send her naked and/or sex pictures of me, and she was like "JUST TAKE THE PICTURES DOWN! you'll look like the bigger person, and he won't have any more bullshit excuse to bother you!" and i was like, "but i'm NOT the bigger person! FUCK HIM! i will DIE before i do anything that PIECE OF SHIT wants me to do!" My aunt, ever fucking AWESOME, was like "LET HIM send me an email like that! I'll have a few things to say to him!"

she's so cute, she's like this 60 year old pretty proper Nebraska raised real-estate agent who loves cats and antiques and fucking "DANCING WITH THE STARS" and she's all like "I'll tell him what's what!"

sometimes i think about how much i love my aunt and it really kind of feels like my heart might just explode.

He sent me one more picture after that, where i'm blowing him.

"Cyd will LOVE this one…"

anyway, i guess i took the pictures down when i was drunk or something, because they're not up on my profile anymore? i HONESTLY don't remember taking them down, and i find it strange because i'm the kind of drinker who gets MORE aggressive and confrontational when i drink, and i can't really imagine that i was drinking and i decided to just DO WHAT HE WANTED?!?! after all THAT?!

anyway, in conclusion, DAVID MASON WAS RIGHT- brazillians are fucking PSYCHO, LU is a PIECE OF SHIT, and NEVER LET PEOPLE TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF YOU.

Also, i think it is worth pointing out HOW FAT i was when i was with lu. I was pretty thin when we got together the first time when i was twenty and he was thirty four, but i got FAT when i was with him, and fast. i broke up with him in early 2008 and lost fifty pounds in less than a year. it just fucking FELL off. that's how poisonous and toxic some people are...

The Aunt Cyd Cancelleth

My aunt had the week from hell, including but not limited to cat health problems, car problems, and Bees. In light of the fact that she's being followed around by multiple biblical plagues, i don't fucking want her around me right now, thank you very much. We have rescheduled for weekend after next. she would come next weekend, but she's going to the live Antiques Roadshow.

And YES i've coached her on her reactions so that they're more likely to use her on the TV ("now make the face for when you've ruined something really expensive with lemon pledge!").

The Aunt Cyd Cometh

my aunt cyd is coming to visit this weekend, and i am cooking up a storm!

Stuff i have already made or am going to be making this weekend include:

Cherry Kiwi Tea Cake with Lime

Sweet Salty Spicy Candied Almonds (with Chili and Fennel- Better than it sounds!)

Eggplant Parmesan w/linguini and Homemade Marinara

Salmon with Mashed Kiwi and Ginger

Olive Bread

Homemade Roast Garlic Mashed Potatoes with Gorgonzola and Green Onion

Pan Cooked Chard with Garlic and Vinegar

Baguette w/ Cream Cheese, Prosciutto and Salted Chopped Dates

So far i've done the Tea Cake and the Almonds... Today i plan on doing the Chard, the Olive Bread and probably making the Marinara for the Eggplant Parm in advance.

Pictures to be inserted later.

Allll Byyyyyyy Myseeeeeeeeeeeeelf....

that was supposed to be funny, but the funny is seriously negated by the cold harsh reality that that song is ASS. lol, i just remembered that in the film adaptation of the rules of attraction, that goth girl killed herself with this playing. um, if i were exposed to eric carmen for more than ten consecutive minutes, i'm sure that i would take a long walk down razorblade road myself.

ANYWAY, my SUPERFIERCE aunt cyd has gone on her first major vacation as of yesterday-she's going to miami, a european cruise, back to miami and then to london and then to back home to phoenix on a three week extravaganza of decadence. i'm all alone with her 17 damn cats, my upcoming final exams and essays, and some mixed blessing solitude. usually i enjoy the silence, but i've been just a tiny bit emotionally uneven lately and have had a really hard time not drinking, so i think that maybe being alone for three weeks is maybe not the best thing for me, BUT i can't think of ANYONE EVER who deserves a really epic vacation more than my aunt. she's not the kind of person who does stuff for herself- in fact, she has consistantly neglected herself for the benefit of either myself or my grandfather (and my late grandma) ever since i have been down in az, which is going on 12 years now. Happily, i've been pretty much self-reliant and low maintenance for coming up on five years now, but just as i started getting better, my grandparents started going downhill in a more pronounced way. I learned the term for fifty-sixtyish middle aged people caught in between the needs of adult children and their increasingly geriatric parents from my psych class last semester- they're called the "middle generation". i think cyd exemplifies that burden better than anybody i know, and she does it without complaint and without even letting slip the hardship she undertakes to provide the necessary support. for instance, i just found out a few WEEKS AGO that my aunt took out a second mortgage on her house so that she could pay for putting my grandmother in good sam for a year, and she never even told anybody. that was in 2005! the only reason i know now, is because she accidentally let it slip. that's 70,000 dollars that she kicked in, while my mom and stepfather (who is an nuclear engineer for GE who made 200,000$ a year twenty years ago and probably makes way more now) didn't contribute ANY money, but DID endlessly criticize my grandmother's care from 1500 miles away until she died, AND my aunt took time off of work and flew back to nebraska at least once a month for a year to get my grandpa through the adjustment of having his wife of over 50 years being in a home with hardcore dementia, and then when she died took off almost a full month to deal with the funeral... she's just the strongest, most amazing woman and she is absolutely my hero. if i could be like anyone, i would want to be like her.

on a lighter note, i got an email from her today (she just flew out of phoenix last night) that reads:

I'm not coming back.
Cyd

with this picture attached


Doesn't she look super happy? AWWWW! i'm so proud of her for doing this for herself... i miss her already, though!