FOR HALLOWEEN, I GIVE YOU... White Assumptions of Superiority: Sandra Bullock Edition

Ok, so the whole "Nice White Lady" thing is not new by any means. You have your Michelle Pfeiffer Nice White Lady in "Dangerous Minds." You have your Hillary Swank Nice White Lady in the almost unspeakably bad "Freedom Writers." But now we have the new Gold Standard for nice white ladies celebrating their own generosity of spirit while clearly illustrating how incapable (and unwilling) minorities are of taking care of themselves or their families. Because black people are doomed to a life of crime, alcoholism, illiteracy and homelessness without the good fortune of Anglo-Saxonic intervention. Get ready for every white trash idiot hag you know to tell you how good this movie is. I hope the enamel on your teeth is ready for all the grinding that is sure to follow.

If you didn't have a bucket for vomitous and a syringe full of insulin at the ready, just watch the clip below to cleanse the palate.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!

The Beardo Balaclava

I thought it was cool. The brown one that i've got is the "lumberjack" and they also have a black one called "the pirate" and a bright yellow one called "the viking." The only thing that sucks is it's a little tight on my BIG GIANT PUMPKINHEAD, but other than that, it's silly hat perfection.

Mmmmm.... Delicious Plagiarism...

Dude, FUCK Carlos Mencia.

I know this is old shit, but it bears repeating.

Carlos Men"steal"ia.

Suck it, BITCH.

Do the Evolution

NO, this is not a picture of ME.

Not yet.

The author of the late, great blog "Famous Like Me" has returned from the ether to bring us, the blogular community, a new blog, full of magical hope and wonderrrrrrrr... Also, in addition to FLM's standby features (including my personal favorite, Mugshot Monday), there is greater focus on Donnie's always entertaining original content- stuff with a higher word count.

It is called hip n edgy. Go, bask... don't be shy. Go to read about the gay, 'not in the face' and 'no fists' Fight Club (from whence the picture above came), stay for everything else.

(OR be Shady Like Me and go there to "borrow" content!)

and since i mentioned hope and wonderrrrrrrr.... let's all take a trip to candy mountain!


SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!!!!! SHU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-N!

Real Quick

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i could not possibly care less about american idol, and i have never once watched an episode of it and when people tell me that they're really rooting for somebody on the show and i thusly infer that they watch that steaming shitpile on a regular basis, i seriously think less of them AS A PERSON (unless they're under 12- too young and stupid to know better- or over 50- in which case it's somewhat excusable because it's almost certainly early onset dementia) right on the spot- as in "oh, wow, you're stupid and you have HORRIBLE taste- the kind of taste where it's unjustifiable in any way shape or form."

having said that: i kind of liked adam lambert in the media after the whole thing. making innuendos about topping the guy who won (don't know his name, don't care), talking about his bad skin and feeling fat and wearing makeup, and then confirming his sexuality in a public manner. It was refreshing to see a guy in the mainstream media who is GAY gay, not log cabin republican gay, acting like he actually HAS A DICK, and not being some neutered, carefully sterilized, timid "ok, i'm gay, you got me, but PLEASE don't hate me because i'm really just like you!" CLAY AIKEN. this vague, relatively uninformed affinity (i have never heard him sing before seeing the first 45 seconds of this clip, for one thing) is why i thought i'd throw this out there...

HANDLERS: IT IS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MARKET THIS BOY, SO HERE'S A HELPFUL HINT: DON'T MAKE EFFEMINATE, OPENLY GAY GUYS USE WORDS LIKE "AIN'T." THEY WOULD NEVER DO THAT. IT SOUNDS AWKWARD AND RIDICULOUS. LISTEN TO HOW HE'S ENUNCIATING. IT'S PAINFUL.

ok, that's it.

song SUCKS by the way. REALLY SUCKS. plus, it's for a shit movie. i am reminded of the film Armageddon and it's big tie-in single, Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" and that is NOT a compliment on either count.

WHY, brain, WHY?!?!

last night i dreamt of a video and record store that had some non-existant (thank god) artifacts. First up was the original Addams Family movie from 1980 starring THE B-52'S in the roles of Morticia (the red head), Gomez (Fred, obviously), Fester (the dude in the B-52s who's not Fred), and Granny (the blond, who was NOT PLEASED AT ALL about her role). Oddly, in my dream the queeny, WAY OVER THE TOP person out of the bunch was the guy who's not fred in his role as fester? when i woke up i was like "what was THAT? out of ALL THE B-52's and HE'S the out of control dramatic one?" i mean, in all their videos the only thing i ever thought about him or noticed him for was "he has the hair that i would most like to have" and that was in 1991 when i was 9 or 10. so yeah, there was THAT.

and then there was a lesser known Dudley and Liza romp known as "MOMMA'S GONNA DIE!" which of course does not exist on cosmic planes outside of my own mind. on the cover, which is painted as old movie covers often were, liza is bound to a chair in the center of a room with thick train-track-damsel-tying rope with a white handkerchief tied around her head, making her over-rouged cheeks bulge along with her wide eyes as DUDLEY DANCES AROUND HER PRONE FIGURE WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE?!? TOTALLY resevoir dogs, except with liza and dudley. that would have been a very different movie... which i would absolutely love to see. sidenote: i am the WORST GAY EVER, creating Liza death scenarios!


Finally, and this is probably the least interesting of the three, there was the ANDY WARHOL/NEIL DIAMOND musical collaboration, which was called i don't remember what, but featured andy looking all andy-like standing back to back with Neil, who was all rhinestoned out, and they were both doing the arm shelf** and staring directly into the camera.

i didn't eat anything spicy before bed... i don't know what's wrong with me.

**PS:
these people are doing the arm shelf.

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Probably not the best idea in the world for a photo op if you're Lindsay. 23, huh? Well played, Lohan.

Puerto Rico Must Be A Lovely Place

From "The Latin Americanist" Blog:

A group called Community Initiative, providing Puerto Rico’s only needle exchange program, is testing a new idea. Drug users will now be able to insert a special card into a vending machine outside of the Community Initiative’s office after the program’s functioning daylight hours. This vending machine program is being implemented to stop the spread of diseases such as HIV and Hepatitis C, common illnesses associated with intravenous drug users, and to target the population of younger drug users who might be reluctant to ask for clean syringes. The packets will contain items such as condoms, syringes, cookers, cotton filters, gauze and sterile water.

Online Sources: Associated Press, The Body: The Complete HIV/Aids Resource

...or an extremely forward thinking place. At least they're a place that cares about the well being of all of its citizens, even the junkies, and thinks of drug addicts as human beings enough to consider their medical needs. i think that's a good thing, actually. it's a lot better then "if they want to do that to themselves, then they should just fucking die," which is a sentiment you hear a lot... or at least it's something i've heard a million times in the United States. I don't think that that many people really believe that anybody ever gets better from hard core drug addiction, even if they know somebody that got off drugs. they think that that's different somehow, and that you were never sleeping outside and begging for dope money or in and out of jail or whatever other superfun places.

PS: As for the picture i posted, all i did was google "puerto rico drugs" and this popped up. i didn't SCOUR THE INTERNETS looking for brown people in a hovel shooting up to fit my subject matter, ok?

Like the Shark, the Panda Has Millions of Teeth

which it uses like a hacksaw to cut through bone, candy and fences.



Sifl and Olly is one of the all time greatest things in the history of life, the universe and everything. This particular clip is my favorite from the entire series. I've seen it maybe a hundred times, and it invariably makes me laugh until i either cry, puke, shit my pants or pass out.

Lyrics to the Panda Song:

After dark, the pandas stalk,
Nightmare creatures, with black hearts.
Ravenous teeth that glow in the dark,
Feasting on bums that sleep in the park!

The pandas are coming!
So hide under your beds!
The pandas are coming!
They'll rip your ass to shreds!

The panda is indeed the most mysterious of all creatures
Shrouded in the enigma of his black and white coat
What kind of camouflage is this, black and white?
Hiding in an Oreo factory? Could be!
That's just another chapter in the ominous saga of the panda!

The pandas are coming
To rip off your head!
The pandas are coming
On a rampage of the dead!

Like the shark, the panda has millions of teeth-
Which it uses like a hacksaw to cut through bone, candy, and fences
The Chinese believe that if you find a discarded panda tooth
You have the power to summon Godzilla

I'm drunk on panda mystery!!

The pandas are coming!
So hide under your bed!
The pandas are coming!
They'll rip your ass to shreds!

This has been chapter 1 in my ongoing songs about the panda,
which shall cease at number 820.
You will see me again, Mr. Sifl!

Sifl: Just get a clue.
Panda Dude: Get a PANDA!

Get a Hat and Get Ready to Hold the Fuck Onto It!

Not the best song (a bit Proggy for my taste), but this is one of my all time favorite videos... probably top 5. I like how Bizarro-World-Sergio-Leone-y it is. It's got EVERYTHING!

Dokken is Not Unlike a Virus

Um, That's an awesome commercial, but Norton is still the worst thing ever, including child rape, puppy kicking and the crucifiction of Jesus Christ.

Dokken are pretty cool, though, if you like that sort of thing. Or if you like irony.

BEHOLD!

Helpful Tip: Don't Blackmail David Letterman

I like the part where he says that he is ruled by Midwestern, Lutheran Guilt. That's one of those "funny because it's true" kind of things. David Letterman is one of my people.