Faggot By Day, Butch-Ass Motherfucker By Night

So i've been in financial aid HELL, like seventh circle fucked the fuck up financial aid hell, and they were trying to tell me that i needed to pay them over 900 dollars rather than collect a check for 900+ dollars... student services being in league with the devil and all, i decided that i would fight that shit because it's WRONG, but in the meantime, it would almost certainly NOT go in my favor, so i had better start finding a job immediately. over the summer i spent two months job hunting and never found shit, including gas stations.

this time, i asked one question, and i was hired. 11 dollars an hour to start!

(that's actually not bad for arizona blue collar work, new yorkers. we are right to work, so that's actually pretty good.)

dude sits behind me in A and P, and i guess he decided i have my shit together. he has his own company(s). a landscaping one and the one i'm going to be working at, where they go into restaurants at night and paint and sand up the varnish off the floors and all sorts of stuff like that. he said he'll train me, pick me up, take me home, and pay me under the table so it won't fuck with my financial aid... maybe i shouldn't blog that part. don't tell on me, fuckers!

anyway, i needed work clothes so my friend jason and his mom took me to wal-mart to get some steel toes and some dickie shirts, and i have to say, i kind of look like a big straight beast of a dude in these clothes. i look butch as fuck!

the picture is kind of jacked because it's hard for me to get my body into the frame from a mere arm's length, so it looks like you should be wearing 3D glasses or some shit.

oh, and by the way, my financial aid stuff got MOSTLY worked out (which is pretty much unheard of) and i even got a check in the mail today, so basically i'm NOT paying anybody 900 dollars, and i got 450 in the mail, so i'm up 1450 and PLUS i got a job, where the boss won't make me work when we've got an exam coming up!

will talk about the Diaz dinner soon... i want to write a REALLY long post about that. stay tuned!

Betty White Is A Badass Bitch, Part Two

...with special appearance by ABE VIGODA!
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=116f413e-e1fc-4b09-80e9-2c29009d76a8&amp;from=IV2_en-us_foxsports_videocentral" target="_new" title="Snickers: Betty White">Video: Snickers: Betty White</a>
Well, speak of the devil!

i would have made it so that if betty white has a snickers she stays betty white and still disembowels the other footballers. that would have been better. still, pretty awesome!

We Go Together Like A Crackhead And Crack

So there's a new season of Important Things With Demetri Martin, which is an official STILL LIFE WITH MONKEY AND CIGARETTE "shows that i like" selection. Even "Taking Woodstock" (directed by the great Ang Lee) was good, even though it A.) didn't feature the trademark ang lee thanksgiving scene and B.) was about 1960's counterculture, which is almost ALWAYS toxic-bad subject matter.

I kind of have a little bit of a crush on Demetri Martin- he reminds me of this jewish dude i was in a halfway house with in 2004 named Ari who was really sweet and funny. he sort of looks like him, and they have the same voice, so maybe Demitri Martin isn't even funny, maybe he just reminds me of this pill head that i wanted to fuck who probably isn't even alive anymore.

Demetri Martin is (one of MANY) [a] good example(S) of "the guy i will never get" because he's TOO soft spoken and TOO gentle natured- while i find him attractive, he would almost certainly think i was too much of a dick, probably immediately, but almost certainly over time. I mean, Demetri Martin is straight, famous and i don't know him so it's a non-issue, but as a 'type' this (gay counterpart) kind of guy NEVER goes for me.

ps, i don't particularly like sarah silverman, but the promo she does with DM is pretty great, and her whole "thing" is the perfect foil for DM's super mild mannered/benevolent vibe.

The Sarah Silverman Program
Back to Back Music Video
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Attention - Bruce the Funny Dog

Important Things with Demetri Martin
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Um... Courtney's Actually Seeming Coherent

and dare i say it- SOMEWHAT CHARMING again for the first time in um, maybe 8 years or so (not counting the pamela anderson roast which she STOLE, in my opinion)?

Somewhere it's raining toads and cats are living with dogs in perfect harmony.

and a day later, i thought to put up the courtney parts of the pam anderson roast. skip to 8:20 on part 5, and it continues on part 6.

This Was My Desktop Background For About A Year

Betty White is the fiercest of the Golden Girls- all of whom were/are pretty rad in their own rights.

Recently, it came out that when betty sent stroke victim Rue "Blanche the WHORE" Maclanahan a get well card and bouquet, the card read "Dear Rue, I hope you hurry up and die so I can be the last Golden Girl left. NOT KIDDING!"

Rue allegedly thought it was pretty hilarious, but DAMN. that's a hardcore joke. Rock on, Betty White. Rock the fuck on.

Karl from Sling Blade

i love this movie. Billy Bob is amazing in it, of course. John Ritter is pretty terrific as a small town homosexual- very accurate portrayal in my experience.

BUT, the absolute BEST THING in this already excellent movie is ANY AND ALL DIALOGUE PERTAINING TO FRENCH FRIES.

check it!

Very Demotivational

This website is hilarious... i'd never seen the site before, but this format is obviously all over the interwebz and has been for forever now. i did 15 pages or something before i checked myself.

Don't worry, though- i brought highlights!









i admit it- when i'm bummed out or brutally hung over and questioning the value of my life, i often find solace in lolcats and such... i'm over-sharing again, aren't i?

seriously though, those lolcats are hilarious!

*BUSTS THE FUCK UP*

THEY CAN'T SPELL! because they're CATS!

29

it's my birthday. almost thirty!

actually, i'm really looking forward to my thirties. according to my calculations, my thirties will be when my life really comes together- i mean, my life is coming together now, but shit should get real in the next 2 or three years...

i was telling my friend jason that the other day, and he didn't really say anything. who knows what jason really thinks about anything, though, lol. he maybe grunted, and i think he gave me a sideways look, which isn't out of character for him. I don't think he agreed with me, but i think i'm right. as long as i don't fuck up TOO egregiously, of course :-)

Germone has actually been above and beyond for my birthday, much to his credit. he got me a cheetah snuggie, a copy of the awesome foreign vampire movie "let the right one in" (i know vampire shit is tired, but this happens to be an excellent film, and precedes the first twilight film), PLUS this morning when i woke up and came out of the room, the house was FILLED with balloons that said 'happy birthday' AND when i came in the door from school tonight, he was holding a lit baskin robbins cookies and cream cake that said happy birthday with the candles. PRETTY SWEET, even i must concede. he might have asbergers's, but at least he tries. AWWWW!


my aunt and grandpa are going to come down on saturday and spend the morning and afternoon, so i'm excited about that, too- AH, i just miss my aunt so much. seriously, it just feels WRONG to only see her once every two to four months, you know? it's like, "THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" it's not as faggoty as being a momma's boy, though. my aunt's badass.

PLUS, it's only six days until i get to have dinner with junot diaz- it's supposed to be a very small group, too. i got my 1st edition of 'Wao' in the mail today, so i'll get that signed. SO EXCITED!

Guess Who's Going To Dinner...

with Pulitzer Prize winning author Junot Díaz, author of maybe my favorite book of all time?
could it be...

MEEEEEEEEEEEEE????!!!!

it COULD, akshully!

i am fucking BESIDE MYSELF, i am so excited. Sometimes life is so amazing, and i can't even imagine what i could have done for all the awesome that occasionally blitzkriegs me to be even somewhat warranted.

Gift of the Year? Gift of the Year.

Jason KILLED it with my christmas present this year. KILLED IT. he got me a charlie the unicorn blanket thing (at first i thought it was a charlie the unicorn SNUGGIE, which is the only thing i can imagine that's more awesome), and he was determined enough to brave GOING INTO A HOT TOPIC.

THAT'S a good friend.

Anatomy and Physiology BLACKOUT

um, i'm thinking maybe i shouldn't have enrolled in A&P I and II in concurrent 8 week abbreviated form, because HOLY SHIT I AM DROWNING in course content. i am seriously afraid that i have bitten off more than i can chew here, but unfortunately i have designed my entire semester around the premise that i can pull it off, so i'm sort of stuck. i am NOT joking (at least not very much) when i say that you probably shouldn't expect to see (much of) anything on this blog before spring break in march, and that's at the earliest. friends, family, etc will be as strangers to me, and the world will know me not.

we DO get to look at a cadaver today, though. that's kind of neat.

Look Who's Back!

http://www.demonoid.com/

Monsters Under The Bed

BONUS TRACK!

Have a nice day!

For All Of You Wyclef Jean Fans Out There:

(he said dryly...)

according to the smoking gun website, Wyclef Jean's Haiti-oriented charity isn't exactly an NPO "per se":

From The Smoking Gun.com

Wyclef Jean Charity's Funny Money
Haiti earthquake aid pours into group that has enriched singer

JANUARY 14--The Haiti earthquake has already triggered hundreds of thousands of donations to musician Wyclef Jean's charitable foundation, which expects to raise upwards of $1 million a day in the disaster's wake. However, Internal Revenue Service records show the group has a lackluster history of accounting for its finances, and that the organization has paid the performer and his business partner at least $410,000 for rent, production services, and Jean's appearance at a benefit concert. Though the Wyclef Jean Foundation, which does business as Yele Haiti Foundation, was incorporated 12 years ago--and has been active since that time--the group only first filed tax returns in August 2009. That month, the foundation provided the IRS with returns covering calendar years 2005, 2006, and 2007--the only periods for which it has publicly provided a glimpse at its financial affairs. In 2006, Jean's charity reported contributions of $1 million, the bulk of which came from People magazine in exchange for the first photos of a pregnant Angelina Jolie (the actress reportedly directed that the publication's payment go to Jean's charity, not her personally). As seen on the following pages from the foundation's 2006 tax return, the group paid $31,200 in rent to Platinum Sound, a Manhattan recording studio owned by Jean and Jerry Duplessis, who, like Jean, is a foundation board member. A $31,200 rent payment was also made in 2007 to Platinum Sound. The rent, tax returns assure, "is priced below market value." The recording studio also was paid $100,000 in 2006 for the "musical performance services of Wyclef Jean at a benefit concert." That six-figure payout, the tax return noted, "was substantially less than market value." The return, of course, does not address why Jean needed to be paid to perform at his own charity's fundraiser. But the largest 2006 payout--a whopping $250,000--went to Telemax, S.A., a for-profit Haiti company in which Jean and Duplessis were said to "own a controlling interest." The money covered "pre-purchased...TV airtime and production services" that were part of the foundation's "outreach efforts" in Haiti. No further description of these services was offered, though the return claimed that "the fees paid are below market" and that the use of Telemax was the "most efficient way of providing these services." The group's tax returns also report "consultant" payments totaling $300,000 between 2005-2007, while the 2006 return reported nearly $225,000 in "promotion and PR" costs. These expenses are not itemized further in the IRS returns.

Leno Bleeds

jimmy kimmel talked mad shit about jay leno (while dressed up as leno) a few nights ago, and leno decides that he should have him on for his 10 questions at 10 segment or whatever the fuck he calls it. jimmy just mad dogs the camera and answers each question with cold contempt, and by the time questions 5 and 6 roll around, jay is clearly very uncomfortable... it's awesome! good for everybody (conan, kimmel, letterman) ALL joining forces to just kick the everliving fuck out of jay at every conceivable opportunity.

Cooking Tip: Potato Peeling

this daffy bitch could not be more pathetic and annoying, but the trick with the potatoes is awesome. i peeled a 10 pound bag of potatoes a week ago to make a metric ton of potato soup, and it was a pain in the ass and took almost an hour (i was watching tv while i did it, it's not like i was peeling potatoes with my feet or anything). this looks way better.

I Realize That This Is Several Months Late, But...

i was in the shower the other day, and it occured to me that there are a LOT of thematic and stylistic similarities between gaga's bad romance video and david fincher's classic madonna video, express yourself. i call it fincher's video, because madonna's career has been all about recognizing other people's talent and then misappropriating it as her own- sort of like sitting on somebody else's handlebars as the person peddling sweats balls and wheezes as madonna screams "WHEEEEEE!! Look at MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!*" a lot of (or, you know, ALL) the anti-gaga stuff i've heard could easily be said about madonna... i think that the pains that have been taken to portray lady gaga as being an active part of the creative process is a reaction to that, and part of a larger trend toward giving ALL of the credit to the recording artist- beyoncé's writing credits, for example.

*(it's WWTDD.COM day here at SLWMAC- i couldn't find the original posting, but the madonna/handlebars analogy originally appeard there- and i think it was probably funnier the way he wrote it.)

Subtext: "Suck These Ginger Balls"

Jay Leno is a cold turd, and he always has been. Fuck Jay Leno.

i would go on, but i believe that the great WWTDD.COM said it best:

'"He even took a few shots at Jay Leno, as he should. Leno is a little underhanded bitch. ‘The Late Shift’ talks about him hiding in closets to spy on meetings. ‘Headlines’ is the exact same thing as ‘Small Town News’, which Letterman has been doing since the 80‘s. In his autobiography, he tells a story about appearing on the Dinah Shore show (read the entire story here, word for word from his book). It’s a cute story and would be even cuter if it had happened to him. In reality it happened to [lesser-known comedian Jeff] Altman."'

Five Years

my favorite david bowie song is five years. seu jorge did a bunch of david bowie covers for 'the life aquatic with steve zissou' starring bill murray, himself, et al. below is his cover, in portuguese.

here is bowie performing the song with arcade fire- i was going to put the original up, but the sound quality i found online was shitty. this is a pretty good version, though when that amish lead singer dude starts trying to elbow his way into the vocals toward the end, it's a little awkward.

BELOW are excerpts from the Flight of the Conchords episode from season 1 where Jermaine and Murray convince Brett that he's bulimic, and Brett starts having Nocturnal Visits from David Bowie in various incarnations. VERY funny shit, i strongly advise you check out the three clips below, even if you didn't like the clips above/don't like david bowie at all.



"receiving data transmissions from david bowie's nipple antennae..."

enjoy your day!

George Lucas Must Have Been THRILLED By This

watch the whole thing. it makes you wish that the French had done this to ALL the landmark genre films from the 70's- like Alien, for example.

Still, as awful/awesome/awesomely awful as this is, it still PALES in comparison to the unmitigated HORROR that is Jar Jar.

Ganked from House of Vader- obviously, lol.